.

i can't believe it's been so long since my last post. 4 years, to be exact. so much has happened since then. some highlights, in no particular order:
1. we bought an apartment on the UWS in Lincoln Towers (and feel like official adults)
2. we got a dog. a beautiful, kinda-fat, super-sweet yellow lab named Ajax.
3. we got a minivan. our first car. and our first parking spot (that cost the same as a small house in the suburbs).
4. we have no more nanny because my job still lets me work from 9AM - 1PM in the office. thank you Flashtalking. i am grateful every day.
5. Matt still works at Millennium.
6. BBC have 3 cousins now!!!!

i'm sure there's a ton more to recount. but it all seems to pale in comparison to what is happening right now in the world.

i've been inspired, motivated, and feel the desperate NEED to blog again because life has changed so rapidly and so radically in the last week. it's hard to even settle into our NEW NORMAL because it keeps changing day-by-day and minute-by-minute.

if anyone knows me well, i thrive on routine and managed expectations. this week i have dipped heavily into my faith and my God for support. He has not failed me. he quenches my thirst. he speaks to me when i need it most. i know that in Him, we (the collective we) will be OK. that said, it is still hard. in times of darkness, there is fear of the unknown. of the possibility of death (even though i make fun of Matt for being so catastrophic and making sure our documents and finances are all in order in the event that we both perish).

living through this pandemic, as it unravels, has been an experience like no other.

to keep a log of the basic timeline. it's something like this:

it hit NYC in March 2020.
• by Tuesday, March 10, Matt and I brought our monitors home to WORK FROM HOME
• by Thursday, March 12, ALL school events and other events for the weekend were cancelled (Stars on Stage, recitals, swimming, ice skating, basketball, church, etc...). Sanitizing when going in and out of the home in effect!
• by Friday, March 13, 250 kids from PS199 were kept at home (self-quarantined). that same Friday, THE LILLVIS FAMILY went on social distancing LOCKDOWN. we made it a point to not be within 6 feet of anyone. AND to monitor our own health condition on the regular (fever/cough etc). if events weren't cancelled, we chose not to go. a birthday party for Cooper's friend was still happening on Saturday, March 14. we felt bad but chose not to go. we watched church from home on Facebook live that Sunday. we did our best to stock up on groceries
• by Sunday, March 15, at 5PM, it was announced that public schools would close until April 20 (possibly till the end of the school year). it seemed obvious that schools would close but the delay in the announcement left people (like myself who was still in denial) scrambling. there was no REAL plan in place. though one of my greatest nightmares has been the need to HOMESCHOOL, i somehow, by the grace of God, was given some optimism. some creativity. so joy and hope to have FUN through it all and treat it as an adventure.
• by Monday, March 16, i tried to have morning meeting. Bryn helped me with a schedule for the week. scrambled to keep on top of managing other parents expectations (bc i'm class parent for 2 of the 3 kids) while not knowing what the hell was going on. the roller coaster ride of optimism and frustration (being told "i'm the worst teacher ever" - 15 min on the job). and juggling ACTUAL WORK was so crazy, i asked my boss for a "leave of absence" by noon. how ANY normal parent of ONE child is expected to TEACH AND WORK AND PREPARE FOOD AND CLEAN AND BE POSITIVE FOR CHILDREN IN THIS TRYING TIME is truly BEYOND ME.
and I AM THE LUCKY ONE. i have a spouse that has a job. i have money in the bank that i can count on. i have the resources for mental health care and physical health care. I HAVE A JOB while others are getting laid off. i have enough food in the kitchen to LAST an embarrassingly long time. yet it still feels RIDICULOUSLY HARD. AND WE ARE ALL GOING THROUGH THIS CRAZINESS TOGETHER.

AND

THE RULES KEEP CHANGING.

• by today, Friday, March 20, all RESTAURANTS/BARS are CLOSED indefinitely. only for delivery or takeout. BUT many have closed permanently because they have no way to sustain the business. BROADWAY is CLOSED indefinitely. MOVIE THEATERS are CLOSED indefinitely. SCHOOLS, CHURCHES, SHOPS, PLAYDATES, HUGS, HANDSHAKES, DOGWALKS, HOUSEKEEPERS, FOOD DELIVERY IN THE ELEVATOR, HOSPITAL VISITS, NURSING HOME VISITS, TRAVEL, HOTELS, EVENTS AND GATHERINGS ARE SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY. today. it's been hard (even though, i TOTALLY get that alot of the things on the list are TOTAL "white people problems"). the NEW NEW normal is sinking in. this is why i'm writing. as therapy. as a means to share. as a means to connect and vent all at the same time.


but i can't close this on such a negative note. there have been great joys on the adventure thus far. on the rollercoaster ride of this pandemic.

MY FAMILY AND DOG have been truly AMAZING. i am amazed at the my children's resilience and creativity. we had a family music band this week! Bryn taught a fashion class for dolls! Cooper made a vending machine from boxes and led a Lego challenge! Bailey taught a drawing class and continues to be generous and kind in spirit to me and her siblings. matt took the compost downstairs, made dinner, cleaned toilets and is ALWAYS there when i say the word. GOD has always been there when i remember to listen.